Cute, isn’t she!?! There’s just something about babies. I mean, they sure have their share of super cute giggles, smiles and heart-melting hugs and kisses, but man, are they little tyrants sometimes!!! I swear, God makes them this cute just so we don’t walk out on them on the *hard* days and also so that we are silly enough to convince ourselves to have more than one, or two…or…you get the point!
Our one-year-old continues to steal our hearts daily with her fun-loving nature and sweet personality, which I must say has come as a welcome relief after a hard summer of grumpiness (both hers and mine) She has proven to be a real challenge as a baby, and is certainly nothing like her older brother who I have always said was an extremely easy baby by comparison…
Recently, I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression, after a good friend, who is a public health nurse by occupation, confessed that she was very concerned about me. Indeed, I must say that I had an incredibly difficult time this spring and summer. There were many changes in my life both in terms of loss, and a move which frankly, I wasn’t as prepared for as I thought! Needless to say, change has never been my strong suit, and so it all added up and took its toll on me physically and mentally.
During the summer, I wasn’t getting much sleep, as Gwyneth nursed 3 or 4 times a night until she was 10 months old, and my quality of sleep was in fact, no *quality* what-so-ever. I can remember feeling absolutely miserable a lot of the time, and believing that somehow, all of these feelings of guilt, exhaustion, sadness and loneliness (despite having wonderful and supportive family and friends) were just part of “normal” motherhood. I believed that I was supposed to feel this way, that my old self was gone, replaced by a new tired, cranky and sad version of myself, and would never return, and that this was somehow okay. I thought that this was the normal way of being, and I had reluctantly accepted it. It wasn’t until my friend said “Catherine, motherhood is supposed to be hard, but it isn’t supposed to be sad” that I realized that I needed to get some help.
I was very skeptical when my doctor prescribed anti-depressant medication. I didn’t think it would work, and I thought that it was just another “patch.” I had serious reservations about taking medication just to be able to “deal” with my life, but I took the prescription, got it filled and hoped that it would indeed help.
Several weeks after beginning my prescription, I am pleased to report that I am feeling so much better. My outlook on life and on being a Mom is no longer a feeling of entrapment. I feel more energy than I have felt in months, and I am doing much more with the kids again. My husband has been telling me that “I seem like Catherine again.” I feel like being creative, I feel like going out, I feel like doing things and I am looking forward to fun events planned for this fall. We even decorated a Halloween Gingerbread house with the kids yesterday, despite all being sick with a nasty cold!
Motherhood makes sense to me again. For a long time, it seemed like something lonely and exhausting. I’ll readily admit that it is hard and it still feels tiring, but it is completely do-able. I know I can cope, and in fact, I can enjoy coping!
The social stigma attached to Post Partum Depression (PPD) continues to frighten many women into feeling like they mustn’t talk about their feelings or ask for help. The reality is, that PPD is just like any other illness, but because it is a mental condition, and obviously involves women who (most of the time) care for their children, it carries with it an implication of failure. If we cannot function as “Super Mom” 100% of the time, there must be something the matter with us, right? Wrong! Seeking help should never be perceived as failure. It is so important to talk to someone who can help.
A few sources of help are: Public Health, Family, Friends, Family Physician, Nurse, Minister, Counsellor…etc. All of these people want to help, and can help you to get the care you (and your children) need. If you think you may be suffering from PPD, ask for help. You’ll be glad you did! It is probably not as uncommon as you might think. It is estimated that as many 15% of Mothers get PPD.
The symptoms of Post Partum Depression are many, but can include any of the following:
Depressed Mood
Low, sad and empty feelings
Tearfulness and crying
Fatigue
Feelings of being an inadequate Mother
Excessive worrying and anxiety (especially about the baby)
Loss of interest/pleasure in normally enjoyable activities
Changes in appetite/weight
Decreased ability to think clearly or make even simple decisions
Disturbances in sleep (ie. insomnia, over-sleeping, sleeping too little)
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
I am on a long journey to recovery, and I know that I will eventually recover! Through a combination of medication, counseling and a support-group, I will be okay. There is light at the end of my tunnel. I want to enjoy my children, and for them to enjoy me. I want to be the best Mom I can…and I know I can with the right resources and help. Just like so many other things in life, depression is a journey…and no one needs to go it alone.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. After having my daughter I didn’t even know I was suffering from PPD until one day, when she was about a year old, I just snapped back into being my normal self. The fog was gone, the heavy mental weight, and I looked up and said to my husband, “I’m back.” After having my second child I recognized the odd sensation of seeing the world through a fog, a slight mist almost, and sought help. I went on anti-depressants for 9 months and was able to return to work after my mat leave and feel quite normal about every day life. I could tell the drugs kept me at a false emotional level: no highs or lows, but the real “me” was always there. It was effortless to come off the meds and continue on from there … that was 15 years ago now.
Thanks for sharing this Heather! The statistics are proof that this is an ailment suffered by so MANY women!
Getting help seemed at the time, to me, like admitting weakness, but now, I am realizing that it took much strength to do so. I am so glad that I did not decide to try to face this alone.
All the best to you and your family!
So proud of you Catherine!
After my first son was born, my friend (who was heading back to her own country) told me that she thought I had post partum depression. Apparently, I´m a prime candidate, not having anyone in my support group and with a history of depression and difficult pregnancy. Who knew?
I´ve suffered with post partum depression with both my boys (which was basically just one long period, since they were born just 14 months apart) and here it isn´t a recognized condition. I´m glad you have the chance to take some antidepressants and get back to normal, it´s really hard otherwise!
Hi, I actually suffered an acute version of PPD, Post natal psychosis, a year and a half ago when I had my first baby…It was so unexpected, I loved kids, had a good pregnancy but when my baby came, I was swallowed up by anxiety and started getting panicky. I was unable to make simple decisions like making appointments with doctors, and ended up not being able to make simple small talk or conversations! I dreaded the night when my daughter would stir etc and I repeatedly had dark thoughts of running away and taking my life. Luckily, I got help very early (about a week after giving birth)and was hospitalized and put on anti-depressants straight away.
I was on medication for close to a year but at around 6 months, I finally began to see light at the end of the tunnel.
I love my daughter so much and appreciate every day I have with her.
I’ve started discussing having a second child with my husband but he is very reluctant about my getting sick again…
I told him it would be different since I will have my doctor’s support and I may not even go through another bout of depression. But he says, “Sure, but there’s a chance it might be even worse…” which scared the sh** out of me:(
Right now, I guess we are in no rush and we will take it one step at a time. I just hope one day we will have the courage to try again!!